Here is the transcription of my most recent video blog:
(And here’s the audio on AnchorFM)
Hey everybody, it is Queen Mab…again, in my car, at night time. Get used to it, because I think that this is going to be a thing from now on. Anyways, today I would like to talk to you about self will versus “God’s will,” okay?
So I already talked to you in another video about the fact that I’ve been involved in a Twelve Step program for a long time, and one of the things that I really object to about the Twelve Step program is that it’s supposed to be all about breaking down the self, and getting rid of the self, and letting in “God,” okay?
Now I am a person of faith. I do believe in God…and, my faith fluctuates wildly, and I can’t sit here and give you like a twenty-five words or less description of like, what I think God is or, you know, how I define God. All I know is that there definitely is – for me – some kind of a power greater than myself out there that I do need to rely on a lot, especially as a person on the spectrum, okay?
But what I have always objected to about Twelve Step from day one is this idea that if some kind of an idea comes from me, then it is bad. And if this idea comes from “God” or my “Higher Power,” then it is good, okay? Having said that, I do recognize that there are times when I am trying to push or force something that I really need to let go of. And I would say one of the benefits for me of participating in a Twelve Step program has been saying, “Okay, here’s a situation that is beyond my control. I need to let go and turn it over to something greater than me,” okay?
Right now, I’m actually having that struggle about this whole blogging project, ‘cuz this has been a really difficult weekend, and I’m really tired. And I know intellectually that the only person who is saying to me, “Hey, you need to do this every day for 100 days,” is me, okay? Having said that, with my “all or nothing” thinking, I’m like, “Well, I don’t want to stop, because if I stop, it means that I’m gonna be a failure, and then I’m going to be too embarrassed to start again.” Like, that’s literally where I’m at, okay?
The other thing that’s hard, though, is that I actually really love doing this. Like I actually love sitting here and talking about things and getting conversations started. Like, this is really fun for me. And that’s another reason why I don’t really want to stop.
The other thing is it’s helping me to actually consistently post on social media, which is a struggle for me, because again, I find social media to be extremely, extremely stressful, okay? So I’m sitting here going, “Okay, 100 vlogs in 100 days…is this ‘God’s will’ or is this ‘self will?'” I really don’t know, okay? And if you don’t like the word “God,” I 100% hear you, you know…if you want to let me know what kind of word works better for you in the comments, I’m totally fine with that.
So anyway, how do YOU make your decisions? How do YOU figure out if you’re trying to push something that you probably need to let go of? What’s YOUR barometer for this kind of thing? I’d really love to hear from you.
Anyway, I’m Queen Mab, and if you like what I’m talking about, you can visit queenmabmusic.com for more of my content. Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe. Can you say that on Instagram? I guess people don’t subscribe on Instagram. Whatever! See you next time.