Here is the transcription of my most recent video blog:
(And here’s the audio on AnchorFM)
Well, good morning, friends. It is six o’clock in the morning. I’m doing my absolute best to keep my voice down so that I don’t wake up the other people that I live with. And I was going to talk to you about a show today, but I’m back to that topic of meditation, because today is a difficult day for me. My job is starting back up, and I have a very difficult relationship with this job.
And today is a day of the most unpleasant sort, because I have to go and sit and listen to people talk at me and interact with colleagues who are going to want to make small talk, and I haven’t had to do this for an entire year because of all the different COVID restrictions. So I’m really dreading it, because I absolutely abhor small talk, and now I understand why: I understand that this is a facet of my neurodiversity. I’d really rather just say to people, “It’s great to see you. I don’t want to talk right now.” However, I know that this would not go over very well.
Another thing…this is completely ridiculous, okay? We have to wear masks all the time, which is fine. I 100% support that. I bought these glasses in June on the last day of the mask mandate, okay? When I have a mask on, and my glasses over it like this, if I look down, they fall off. So my glasses are constantly falling off my face, okay? So I’m like this…walking disaster with falling glasses all the time, and I absolutely hate it. So I need to get new glasses, but I haven’t gotten around to doing that. So that’s going to be fun. I think I’m just going to wear my sunglasses. But then everyone’s going to think that, you know, I’m hungover, or I’ve been smoking pot, or something, if I’m wearing sunglasses indoors, okay? And maybe that’s not the impression that I want to give to my colleagues, okay?
So anyway, back to the meditation thing. So I woke up this morning and I was like, “Okay, you know, I’m going to meditate.” Normally, I do ten minutes, okay, but this morning I said, “Okay, I’m gonna do fifteen!” And…yeah. I got to probably like, minute twelve, and you know, my…butt started falling asleep, and you know, I started thinking about today, and what’s about to happen, and I just felt so angry. And I get it…it’s that Rumi thing. I’m supposed to be like a guest house, and the emotions can come and go, and that’s the whole point of meditation is to notice my anger but not get attached to it. Someone please explain to me how that is supposed to work.
So you know, I kept breathing, and you know, finally when my butt was just too uncomfortable, I just opened my eyes and let myself kind of ride out the last fifty seconds or so, but again, I think I’m just feeling really disappointed that this practice that’s supposed to bring peace doesn’t bring me peace. And I think I’m feeling frustrated again with that goal in mind of using meditation to hear my inner voice. I mean, my inner voice is screaming so loud that I don’t want to go to work, and I don’t want to go to this place and be around these people, and pretend like I like them, and pretend like it’s a happy place to be, because it isn’t. That’s what my inner voice is saying. And, I have to override it…well, I choose to override it because I need to earn a living. So…yeah. I don’t know.
Maybe this is too much vulnerability, I don’t know. We’re all supposed to be vulnerable these days, right. That’s supposed to be the thing. Well, here’s me…being vulnerable…with my bed head at six o’clock in the morning. Thanks for tuning in. Don’t forget to “like, comment, subscribe!” (barf noise)